Cheater's Chili

I have a friend who makes a big, grand, fabulous-smelling entrance at football game parties, fall bbq's and other potluck events with his huge crockpot of homemade chili. I mean this stuff is spicy and tender and just the ultimate pot of yummy. Finally I hear the secret-- "... okay well you start with a base of CANNED chili and doctor it up". Now, I don't know if you've ever seen canned dog food, but this is basically what he starts with. Chili from a can!? Unacceptable.

There are really, really hard and lengthy recipies for chili. In fact, there are insanely large prizes at local, state and nationally televised chili cook-off competitions. Chili is an art and a science, with true connoiseurs and a practically-cult following. This dish is on the limited list of "manly" potluck dishes. So if you know absolutely nothing about how to make it, don't cry like a sissy. Read below and see how very simple life can be. It can become your foundation to create your own little chili-man legacy.

Cheater's Chili:

• 1 pound of lean ground meat (you can use turkey here as a healthier alternative, or go for the real thing- beef)


• 2 - 14oz cans of kidney beans that have been rinsed of all goo


• 1 - 14oz can of tomato sauce


• Splash (or more) of red wine


• 1 chopped cooking onion (yellow, of a medium-ish size. Cut this to pieces that are the same size as your pinkie fingernail)


• 3 cloves of garlic (crushed with a garlic press or chopped till they are mush)


• 2 teaspoons of chili powder (buy it and you'll use it for everything - a cheap and good investment)


• Salt and pepper

Here's the secret: chili is basically spaghetti sauce with beans. Chili without beans could be easily poured over pasta and be called an italian slow-simmer sauce, especially if you added some oregano, tarragon or basil. So basically, chili is meat sauce with different spices. So the real lesson today is, "how to make a meat sauce". In this case, with chili powder and beans. But think of the base as a completely adjustable canvas that you can paint with lots of different colors.

Back to the cooking-- you know the most important thing to me is to get it done in the shortest amount of time possible, with the least amount of steps, and with the biggest applause at the end. Hmmm.... now that I think of it, that's basically the motto of my whole life. But I digress. The first step here is to brown the things that need to be browned. If you put the meat in first, the natural juice would create water in the pan that makes it harder to brown your onions, so we do onions first.

Throw the onions into a large saucepan with a teaspoon of olive oil, over high heat. Continue to stir and brown for a couple minutes, or until the smell changes to be less spicy and more sweet. Throw in your crushed garlic and a splash of red wine.

To this mixture, add the ground meat. Season with a small amount of salt and a bigger amount of pepper. Continue stirring until you have removed all pink from the meat. Now turn the burner to medium, pour in the sauce and the beans, and continue cooking.

"Her emotions simmered below the surface". What does simmering really mean? Because that's what we need to do now with this sauce. Simmering, first of all, is generally done on low or almost-low heat. To simmer is to have a movement of your sauce, but no bubbles. So you're at a lower heat than boiling, but your sauce isn't sitting still. The traditional cooking method to achieve solid simmering is to bring it up to a boil then turn it down. This creates a universal heat that will continue... yes you guessed it.... below the surface. So get this baby pissed off at you for a good 20 minutes, and up to an hour or more. Your beans will start falling apart if you go too long, so really this is another quick timeline for preparation.

So this is the most simple and basic version of chili that you can possibly create. Feel free to change up the beans (remove them, use other kinds, whatever), throw in some different spices (try fresh hot peppers from the store, but test each before you add), use different meat (ground beef is just a start- people use all kinds of meats in this including steak or the ultra fatty/fabulous rib meat). This is a totally basic recipe, so you're going to want to garnish this to make it appear fabulous to the naked eye. Luckily, chili is one of the best foods to garnish, besides the potato of course. Pull out the shredded cheddar (or other exotic cheese to really entice), the sour cream (cool and tangy), chopped onions (green are pretty), strips of bbq steak (mouth watering), really cold beer (wow). This was the first meal I cooked on my own. I give it to you. You can't screw it up - promise.